Let me tell you how I almost lost my mind over a silverware holder.
The truth is; I’m not a fancy person. Don’t get me wrong, I love bright colored frilly skirts kind of fancy; but eloquence… that isn’t really who I am. So I’m just gonna’ write this page from my heart. This is why I do what I do. This is why I care so deeply about people and have learned all the skills I have learned, because I want to help you not go through the same types of trauma and trials I have went through. And if you have or if you are going through them, I want to help you get to the other side. And not just get through it, but learn techniques that allow you to live life on your terms.
In one of my lives within this life; I was in a relationship with a Master Covert Narcissist. Of course, we didn’t call them Narcissist at that time. We just called them abusive jerks. The person who you are supposed to be able to trust more than anyone else; who is supposed to protect you from the horrors of life.
The one who makes you feel like a Princess in a storybook and listens to all the pains you have ever had. When they hear about the last horrible physically abusive relationship in which you narrowly escaped with your life; they say things like “I could kill him”, “how could anyone ever treat you that way.” And “I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.” Which is really just an information gathering so they have ammo to use against you in the future. But I digress.
In my strive for perfection to keep this individual from emotionally destroying me; I inadvertently destroyed myself. I know now that I’m not alone. I didn’t then. I felt completely alone. I had allowed him to isolate me from my family and he was such a jerk that my friends no longer came around. I was alone. We didn’t have social media back then. Cell phones were just getting out in the world and nearly no one had a computer.
We know a lot more about stress now than we did then too. In my effort to achieve perfection, work a full-time job, go to school while being emotionally tormented on a daily basis, I cracked. Stress is accumulative and I had held it for so long that my mind disconnected on a drive to work. I worked 10 minutes away from my house, but one night I was driving to work and I suddenly did not know where I was. I had lost time and I was lost. We didn’t have GPS back then either. I had no idea where I was at all.
A week later I found myself on the floor in the hallway of my Educational Facility sobbing uncontrollably for seemingly no apparent reason. The stress accumulation overflows and can’t be held in at some point.
Whether it spills as cancer, a heart attack, fibromyalgia, memory lapses or lying on the floor in the fetus position inconsolable; it will spill if not dealt with, reduced or eliminated.
By the end of the month on my way home from work; I rolled my car. It rolled twice, side over side and flipped twice, end over end jumping a dried up river bed and landing upside down. I had no recollection whatever about “how” it happened. I am almost positive I did not fall asleep. I remember the car just “shooting” across the street. The next thing that I know is I heard someone call my name really loudly and I opened my eyes. There was no one there.
My left arm was under the roof of the car. I was in the car. I saw a huge Angel lift the car and my body fell out. I pulled my arm out. Next I remember thinking I would need my house keys and ID so I reached for my purse. I saw the wheels turning so I thought to turn off the car to not waste all my gas. I hadn’t understood yet that the car was upside down. I figured I should sit by the road so help could come. My left arm was useless, my right leg was useless. I sort of half crawled up to the roadway and sat down. I couldn’t even see my car from there.
People came. An ambulance came. I remember while I was sitting there before they came, I took off my bra and put it in my pocket and took off my jewelry too so the ambulance people wouldn’t cut it off.
I got to the hospital. Four hours had passed since I left work. I had my left ear sewn back on where the seatbelt nearly ripped it off.
So what I faced; and overcame from this one life of my many lives was this: I had to re-evaluate my relationships. I had to learn how to use an arm that the doctors said I would never use again. I had to reduce stress or how I allowed it to affect me or I was going to die. I had to decide if I was going to live on narcotics’ for the rest of my life or reject them completely and find another way to recover.
But this wasn’t all I had to face; I had to face the past and the reasons behind repeating the same patterns over and over and dwelling on all the things that brought misery. This wasn’t my first major vehicle accident. In fact just a few years before this I was in an accident that broke my neck, dislocated my collarbone and snapped the ribs off my spine. And during that time I was in a different bad relationship; and that was just a small part of it.
I could have dwelled in all the things; but I made a different choice. I chose life. I started to do the work on me and change belief’s and patterns. I had to work on family dynamics and so many other things.
So where does this silverware holder come into play in all this? After I moved out of the house with the bad relationship and started learning how to live again; after I felt safe in my environment, and felt safe to feel some feelings… I felt some feelings. This isn’t the kind of thing you plan for or know is going to happen unless you have talked to or worked with others who have been through this. This is a thing that catches you completely unaware and leaves you in a ball on the floor crying your eyes out thinking you are completely 100% crazy. This is also completely normal, but not too many people know it.
At any rate; I was in my new apartment putting away my things and when I got to the kitchen stuff; I didn’t have a silverware holder for the drawer. I went to the dollar store and there was NONE that looked like the one I used to have. I didn’t actually give it much thought when I paid for it; but once I got home and started putting the silverware in it; the spaces were wrong. The big spoons had ALWAYS been on the farthest right, the forks in the middle and the butter knives on the left. Always. This new container was sort of correct; but it was wrong and the silverware didn’t fit in the spaces in the order that had always fit it; and I LOST IT. I broke down and was not able to function. This upset in my world was more than I could handle at that moment in my life. This was the thing that toppled me over the edge. A silverware holder.
Because I had never been safe enough to break down before.
Because I had never had a right to feel my feelings.
Because I had been kept in too much chaos to process all the things I went through.
Because my body and mind knew I had to release all this from my cellular memory; from my mind; from my bones.
I fell apart because I could. For the first time. I could. And I did.
I lost my mind over a silverware holder and found my soul somewhere on the floor of the kitchen. It was a long process to wholeness and I did NOT do it alone. I sought help. I found support. I relied on friends. I put myself as a priority for the first time in a long time.
It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t always easy.
It’s the blindside of trauma that takes you when you least expect it; when you feel safe.
If you are going through something, whether it is current or not, reach out. Find support.