What do you do? I don’t know. I play with kittens mostly, make dinner every now and then, play with and sort stones. I touch you with energetic hands and you can walk again. I touch you and release decades of trauma and hurt over one bucketful of tears. I hold you in space to help ground the chaos and anxiety and you scream—and I think I’ve hurt you –to find out your broken toe and bruising is healed. I’ve asked for you headaches online and you’ve handed them to me. You were in so much pain that you couldn’t walk and I took that so you could enjoy the rest of your weekend without pain. You were paralyzed by fear and couldn’t leave your house and I walked you through lifetimes to your original wound and we changed that story and released you from your own dungeon.
When you’ve been thrown in the fire and life and people kick you back down and stomp on your fingers, I push them aside, focus, make eye contact with you, step into the fire with you, help you up, take your hand and guide you through to the other side.
I wake up and look into the mirror. The mirror that is mounted too high for me to see into completely and I say with conviction that I am Beautiful, I am Brilliant, and I am Brave. And I hope every single day of my life that I have said it with enough conviction to get me through the verbal onslaught of negativity and not-good enough’s that will consume the rest of my day.
I fight Every. Single. Day! Every single day. To be a 3B Warrior sometimes means that I stand upright, that I open my eyes. That I take a step forward and look for the beauty surrounding me. That I cling to what I can, I doubt my sanity and my worth.
We have no one to help us sort through this, no one to talk to with. We have plenty of ‘gung ho’ individuals who yell “just leave the bastard” and the other side that “you should be grateful” and no one wants to hear complaints. What we need is someone who can just hear the words that we speak and help us sort it without being “bossy”, without trying to control our lives in place of the controlling bastard you are trying to get us to leave. We get glimpses of potential or hope, but never complete answers.
I was told “You are too ‘woo’ for even ‘woo’ people”. I live in the stars, because if my mind touches the ground that my feet are planted on, I don’t know how I would ever be able to smile again.
I was told “You cling to rejection”. I don’t cling to rejection. I fight it every single day.